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Chapter Two: Depression

Updated: Feb 9, 2023

The first chapter, this one and the third one is showing you the before the Spiritual Awakening. In coming chapters is when I'll be sharing my current experience as I go through this Journey.

After I chose not to believe in God anymore things changed and got worse but it didn't change drastically, it happened little by little. I didn't realize it at the time, that removing God out of my life was already effecting me. I began to feel alone and felt the whole world was against me. When I was going to high-school I was bullied pretty much everyday and then cyber bullied when I would get home. It was never ending and it had gotten worse which of course didn't help with my mental health. I became terrified to go to school everyday, I lost my voice and had no confidence. I didn't know how to speak up and stand up for myself. Every morning on the bus on the way to school I would experience a jittery feeling which was the birth of anxiety. I didn't have many friends that I could go to and the ones I was friends with were being bullied as well. I felt I had no one to go to and I also felt that If I did say anything it wouldn't matter and scared that it would make it worse, just like every kid feels when they're being bullied. I wanted to say something about it but never got the courage to.

From grade six to grade ten I was told that I was ugly, worthless, I didn't belong to be here on earth. When that's all you're hearing from your classmates and that you wish you could have been friends with and get the chance to enjoy your teen years, it leaves lasting effects on you and you believe what they say. Just because they may have believed in what they were telling me doesn't mean it was true. I never blamed the bystanders because the bully had a hold on them and were scared of the bully. I understood.

I wish I had said something because now looking back as an adult, someone could have helped me. Things could have changed for the better for me but it wasn't meant to be because it wouldn't have made me the person I am today.

Back then I just depended on myself on how to cope through the bulling and my mental health, which didn't go well. I was full of negative self talk which lead me to the lowest point in my life. Living was too hard and I couldn't see clearly anymore. My mind was entrapped by a thick dark cloud that would constantly tell me that I was worthless, that everything my bully instilled into my brain was right and I shouldn't be here anymore. The enemy, devil, whatever you call him had a tight grip on me.

This isn't easy for me to share. I don't like that I had those thoughts. I was so deep in the dark that the world around me was bleak and gloomy. In the late night before I could do anything to myself that I'd regret. I heard a loud voice overcome me that said, "Don't do it, just wait for one more day" Never in my life had I ever heard a voice so loud. My family were asleep and I was the only one awake and in that very moment I knew that voice was God. I listened to it and went to sleep and the next day at school there was an assembly of a group that came to our school called Live Different. They were sharing all their stories of being bullied, mental health struggles and I rolled my eyes at this at first because all the other times that people had came to help bullies to help open their eyes, never worked. My bully would just laugh at it and make my life worse on those days. This day was different. A woman named Heather was one of the last ones and she shared such a heartbreaking story that had saved my life. She endured much worse than I. Not belittling what I went through but after hearing what she went through and still made it out alive (Literally) I knew that I could make it out alive too. She tried to take her own life by cutting her wrists and was found bleeding out on the bathroom floor from a friend and was taken to the hospital and by some miracle she survived it, all because she was severely bullied. It showed me that I could get through four more years of school and I'd be gone and never have to see my bully again. After the event was over I went up to Heather and told her what I was going through and that she had saved my life and she replied with, "Never believe in the lies they tell you dear" My eyes were finally opened and realized that what everyone was saying was a projection of how they felt of themselves.

Her story gave me hope and even though God spoke to me and worked through Heather to help me, my Atheist stubbornness still didn't want to believe that was God and I pushed him away even further which makes me sad that I did that to him. I went home that day with excitement and told myself that I exist for a reason, that I am enough and I deserve to live.

I still struggled with my self-esteem but not all of it was going to change over night.

Not long after, my bully was put into another school and I was no longer bullied, well not in the same way. Still got teased but it was a thousand times better then what I was receiving from before.

Although I was still struggling with depression, anxiety and self-esteem.

Reminder: That this blog and these posts are my own opinion, beliefs and journey and you don't have to apply anything that I have shared. I am just sharing what I have and am experiencing.

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